My First Samhain
Though I've been a practicing Pagan since my middle school years, it was not until I was an undergraduate freshman that I began celebrating Pagan holidays. Before college I never had an outlet to practice or celebrate with other Pagans, let alone Pagans who were my own age. The people who I went to high school with were less open-minded about my religion and there just wasn't an accessible church or organization in my community. So despite practicing Paganism and witchcraft for several years, I did not benefit from a solid, positive spiritual community until I was a young adult. When I left my hometown in Upstate New York to attend college in Connecticut, however, I discovered a student run organization dedicated to religious acceptance and the practice of Paganism. I introduced myself to the club's leader, started attending their meetings, and soon fell in love with small, unique community. The people were kind and the meetings were always enlightening. But what made the club special was that the executive board held rituals to celebrate the holidays and moons on the Pagan calendar.
When I first joined the club as a freshman, the members were getting ready to celebrate Samhain. Growing up with Halloween as my favorite holiday, I was excited to celebrate Samhain the authentic way. That first year, though, I couldn't participate in the ritual portion of the celebration. Being a reputable organization, there was a rule saying that before a member can participate in a ritual, they must attend a club-sponsored ritual workshop or observe one of the rituals. This rule was to ensure that those participating were educated, respectful, and open to the special connection that one shares with others when inside the circle. This was understandable, and I was still happy to observe. The ritual was held in the wooded area behind the club president's apartment. It was dark and the ritual participants and observers had to hike up a hill and through the trees to get to cleared out circle. It was difficult to see inside the circle while the ritual was happening, but the scattered candlelight provided a way to see the moving silhouettes of the participants. It was also easy to listen closely and follow along with the vocalized script. But what couldn't be seen or heard was the intense spiritual energy coming from the circle. Though I was standing outside the circle, I could feel that the circle was full of love and respect. After that night I was allowed to participate in all other club-hosted rituals and, a year later, I was able to participate in my first real Samhain celebration.
Because I became exceptionally close to the club's then-president, I was asked to help with some of the pre-ritual planning. We went to the liquor store and picked out a delicious pumpkin mead for everyone to have during and after the ritual. We then made a stop at the grocery store to find one apple and one pomegranate, though we also bought some chocolate and other snacks for our own personal consumption. After running errands, we began baking all the important ritual goods. We were baking berry jam filled pentacle soul cakes and pumpkin pies until midnight. It was a nice and special way to begin the final harvesting season.
The next day was Halloween, so in addition to partaking in the ancient rites of Samhain, my friends and I wore costumes, prepared to attend parties, and played spooky movies in the background of our festivities. As I became more comfortable with this group in college, I began to notice that many modern Pagans enjoyed combining traditional practices with more contemporary activities. There are many ways that Pagan traditions--like pumpkin carving, costumes, and trick-or-treating--exist withing the secular celebration of Halloween. What I find nice about this is that even though Samhain is a sacred and important celebration, its traditions can still be enjoyed by those of all religions and cultures. I still enjoy the season for every bit of its sacredness and for every bit of its fun.
Like the year before, we hiked up to the ritual space behind the president's apartment. The wooded area up the hill was dark and the evening, autumn air was chill. Some of the people participating brought their phones so that they could illuminate a safe path through the trees. The walk felt as if it took up fifteen minutes, even though the ritual space wasn't too far from the apartment. You could actually see the lights coming from the apartment kitchen while looking through the trees near the circle. The night and the spirits of Samhain were distorting time.
Rituals--as I would learn the more I participated in and lead--have the strange ability to bend time, alter place, and make one's memory unreliable. I feel as though I should have remembered more from the ritual. I wish I could remember every distinct moment of the ritual, but no matter how hard I try to remember the ritual in its entirety, I find myself only able to recall miniscue vignettes. I remember lighting a candle, drawing a pentacle in the air with my wand, biting into a soul cake, and sipping mead from a chalice. The most significant thing I remember from that night was the deer.
I remember that the ritual had reached the point in which energy is at its calmest and participants are at a great point of ease. After cakes and wine had been blessed and consumed, everyone in the small circle felt free to talk freely, giggle, and even gently interact with those outside the circle. During this part of the ritual, someone inside the circle pointed to a shadowy shape moving along the trees. The figure's tall, graceful shape was cast by the glowing apartment lights and it moved as if it were walking on water. I remember that everyone--inside and outside of the circle--turned their heads to the figure. The deer was not a figment of my own imagination. Everyone who attended that ritual remembers seeing the large doe passing by the circle in the woods. This was not a mirage created by the hazy energy of being inside a circle. This was a visiting spirit from nature.
The deer lingered awhile, carefully walking through the woods and glancing over at the circle. I remember feeling an intense sensation of love and purity as the deer watched us. Even when the deer left us--after being frightened away by flash of cellphone light--I was left with that same special energy. This encounter happened a few years ago, and since then, I've experienced many other rituals and even had the privilege to lead rituals within the same group, but I've never had another spiritual encounter quite like the Samhain deer. It was a special moment that would bond the people inside the circle together, for better or for worse. That intimate moment is what made Samhain a personally important celebration. I could only hope for such a moment to happen again, whether in this lifetime or another.
